May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let's have One more place in which American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open Trump Tower Damascus a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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